December 2011
1 post
Alt EFL gurus xmas box set from Del Boy
Awright there punters, christmas is here and givings in fashion and uncle Del Boy has got some pucker gifts for all you secrety santas out there. Fallen off a lorry, tipped off a van, bungee jumped from a plane, don’t ask no questions and I tell you no lies.Cushty. Today, a once in a lifetime offer, never to be repeated, for you luvly Tweetions out there I bring you…wait for...
November 2011
10 posts
Yoda update
Since winning 2 awards in the Alt EFL Gurus award ceremony where we gave awards to people who won them, Yoda has been busy so we caught up with him to see how his life has changed.
Me: Hello Yoda, sorry, Mr Yoda. Actually, is Yoda your first or last name?
Yoda: Doubts you have. Doubts lead to questions, questions lead to answers and answers lead to the dark side of EFL.
Me: Err, so it’s...
AWARDS!!!
The votes came in, were counted and here are the winners:
1)Most inspirational interview = Apollo Creed
2)Biggest contribution to EFL = Yoda
3)Most alternative guru = Terry Tate
4)Best quote = Tony Montana
“Don’t mess with find someone who” + “He’s such a good lawyer, that by tomorrow morning, you gonna be...
The lost post: Two Yorkshire TESOL France speakers
FIRST YORKSHIREMAN: Aye, very passable, that, very passable presentation on Language Acquisition.
SECOND YORKSHIREMAN: Nothing like a good talk on Language Acquisition, eh, Josiah?
FIRST YORKSHIREMAN: You’re right there, Obadiah.
SECOND YORKSHIREMAN: So, how was thee talk then lad?
FIRST YORKSHIREMAN: It were grand but bloody hard.
SECOND YORKSHIREMAN: Why’s that then lad?
...
Nudge nudge teach teach.
Man1: Evening squire.
Man2: Good evening.
Man1: Are, uh,…Are you in EFL, eh? Know whatahmean, know whatahmean, nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?
Man2: I, uh, I beg your pardon?
Man1: You, uh, do you teach, eh, eh?
Man2: (flustered) Well, sometimes I “teach”, yes.
Man1: Aaaaaaaah bet you do, say no more, say no more, knowwhatahmean, nudge nudge?
Man2: (confused)...
Marcel Marceau on teacher talk time
Me: Good evening Mr Marceau. How are you?
MM holds up a thumb.
Me: Good. Thanks for this interview. It’s a special one as it’s the last for AlternativeEFLGurus and I’m so happy it’s with you. I’ve admired your skill for so long.
MM blows a kiss.
Me:Thanks. Well, lets get down to it. You are one of the great masters of minimal teacher talk time. How elicido you...
1 to 1 with the daleks
Intergalactic corporate English teacher Bill arrives at the Dalek mother ship to teach a 1 to 1 with Dalek Sek.
Bill: Good morning, I have a 2 pm class with err…dalek…sek.
Dalek Seth: You will be extermiNAted!
Bill: No. Check. I have a class.
Dalek Sara: Yes. The human tells the truth. Send him to the learning English chamber.
Dalek Seth. If you move you will be...
Lauren in the CAE speaking test
Examiner: Now in this part I’d like you both to discuss these photos.
Sven: I think this photo is the best.How about you Lauren?
Lauren: Whatevver!
S: Err, yes. All the photos show people studying but this one is particularly interesting.Lauren?
L: What?
S: What’s your opinion?
L: Not bovvered.
S: What?
L: Bovvered? Me? Not bovvered.
S: So, you agree with me then?
L:...
Interview with Officer Crabtree before his TESOL...
Me: Good morning officer.
Officer Crabtree: Good moaning. I’m soo hoppy to bee her.
Me: ?????
So, officer, how do you feel about teaching English in France?
OC: OOOOh, that’s a god keychon. I touch moany students.
Me: So they moan a lot then?
OC: No boot they lick to comploon all the tim.
Me: Err. Ah! Do you teach many exam classes?
OC: Oooh yos. They hall have to piss...
DELTA experimental input module 3: emergent drama
Scene: A classroom. Week 6 of the DELTA.
Drama Bob: Welcome to this new module which is aimed at opening you up as teachers and allowing you to deal with emergent language, problems and other situations in your future careers. My name is Bob but you can call me my drama name of Drama Bob. So, first thing we need to do is move away the desks and then the magic can happen.
Desks moved.
DB: Now,...
Rod Tidwell shows a video
RT: OK, today I want to show you a short programme about education but you need to convince me. Do you want to see it?
Class: Yes.
RT: I like you. My wife likes you. You’re good for my wife. I’m gonna show you this programme. That’s what I’m gonna do for you.
Class: Thanks
RT: This is what you’re gonna do for me.
S1: What we do teacher?
RT: It’s personal...
October 2011
28 posts
Don Corleoni DOS helps a teacher
Background:
Due to the economic crisis and globalisation the Italian mafia families have moved into EFL and bought several big language schools in London.
Today, a new EFL teacher with a problem goes to Don Corleoni DOS for help.
T: Don Corleoni, I have a problem student and I need some help.
DC: You come to me, you show me respect, you bring me spaghetti. You’re a good boy. Gimme a...
Captain Jack's banned IATEFL talk on Shipping...
CJ: Good afternoon Teachers, Tutors and other assorted riff raff. Today OUP invited someone along to give a short but sweet talk about Shipping English. That person is somewhat occupied so you have old Director Captain Jack instead. For those of you who have served under me you know I am an expert on such matters. For those who don’t then where were you and you owe me 10 shillings. Savvy?
...
Apollo Creed as a teacher trainer
CELTA course week 1. Break time after the first TP. All the trainees and trainers chat, drink and smoke outside.
Tim: I can’t do it. I can’t go back. Don’t make me teach them again.
Apollo: Now, when I interviewed you, you had that eye of the tiger, man; the edge! And now you gotta get it back, and the way to get it back is to go back to the beginning. You know what I...
The Spanish inquisition as BC inspectors
This week the school is being inspected by the British Council.
Scene: An EFL class. Students begin asking questions to the teacher.
S1: What does this word mean?
Teacher: What?
S1: I no understand. What mean?
T: I didn’t expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
Doors open and in bursts the inquisition.
Biggles: NOBODY expects the Spanish British Council Inquisition! Our chief weapon...
The EFL teacher preacher
Preacher: Brothers and sister EFL teachers we have here today a gentleman who has sinned.
All: Amen.
Preacher: He has committed the ultimate in EFL sins. What is this sin you ask? Well, he did NOT follow his lesson plan.
All: AAahhhh!
P: Yes. Bring him here to face the wrath of the almighty EFL gods.
All: Hallelujah!Amen!
P: What’s your name brother?
Tom: Tom Gordon.
P: And when...
Tony Montana on his rise to teacherdom
Me: Hi Tony. Glad you agreed to answer some questions. Just try to be as honest as possible.
Tony: I always tell the truth. Even when I lie.
Me: Great. So, how did you end up teaching?
T: Okay, here’s the story. I come from the gutter. I know that. I got no education… but that’s okay. I know the street, and I’m making all the right connections. With the right...
Justin Bieber and Britney Spears hold a plenary
Presenter: So, thanks everyone for attending the 2011 IATEFL Alternative EFL Guru’s conference. We’ve had some interesting talks. My own favourites were Lemmy from Motorhead’s talk about using card games and Ozzy Osbourne’s seminar on the dangers of sniffing board markers. To end things on a bang we have 2 big names in the EFL world. Ladies, gentlemen and the cleaners, I...
Luke meets the emperor to complete his TEFL...
Luke enters the school director’s office.
Emperor: DOS, ADOS leave us!
E: I’m looking forward to completing your training. In time you will call me director.
L: I’ll never call you director.
E: You can call me the boss, master of the dude. Your choice but call me something you will.
L: You’re gravely mistaken.
E: No, young English teacher, it is you who is mistaken,...
Charlie Sheen after passing his 'experimental...
Me: How do you feel Charlie after passing the experimental practice module?
CS:Boom, crush. Night, losers. Winning, duh.
Me: Yes. Good. How did you come up with that great lesson?
CS: From my big beautiful warlock brain
Me: Ahh. I see. Is your style of teaching popular in your school?
CS: Welcome to ‘Sheen’s Korner’ … You’re either in my corner, or...
The hoff teaches word formation
H: Hey kids. I guess you know me, right?
S1: No.
H: I have a black CAR! Hint hint.
Silence……
H: Is anyone from Germany?
Hans: Yes. I am German. You are the hoff, I have all your albums.
H: Yes, I’m the Hoff and today we’ll be learning how to take 1 word, add bits to it and make new words.
The hoff writes ‘hoff’ on the board.
H: Now, what can we add to...
EFL resources scrabble world championship
Scrabble judge:Today you are limited to titles of EFL materials. The longest titles win.
No punching, no kicking, no spitting, no swearing, no jargon. You know the rules.Fight!
T1: Headway.7 points.
Commentator: And we’re off to a great start with 7 points.
T2: New Headway.10 points
C: Oh. Nasty.
T1: New new. No. Inside Out 2nd edition. 19 points.
C: The big guns are out now.
T2:...
Steven Gerrard on EFL
Me: Hi Stevie. How do you feel about your colleague’s teaching?
S: You know the lads go out there and give 110% teaching dogme like. Me: But Stevie you can only have 100% S: Yeah, y’know 112 % like. Me: So, there’s a few of you teaching dogme at your school then? S: Yeah. Barry, barry, little barry, fat barry, baz, irish barry.. Me: What do you think is the key to good...
Coursebooks anonymous
Leader: Hello, everyone.
All: Hello Sylvie.
Leader, Well, today we have a new member of CA. Would you like to introduce yourself?
Paul: Hello. I’m Paul.
All: Hello Paul.
Paul: Hello.
All: Hello.
Paul: Hello I’m Paul an I’m a course book addict (breathe).
All: Silence
Leader: Thank you Paul. We’re all friends here. Now would you like to tell us how it began and...
Les Grossman gets lesson feedback
Senior Teacher: Hi Les. I just want to say how good I thought your lesson was.
L: Great. Let me get this down. LESSON GOOD…. Oh, wait! I got a better idea. Instead of GOOD how about frinking AMAZING!
ST: Yes, I was glad to see you using some of the ideas from my training session.
L: I couldn’t have done it without you…No, d**khead. Of course I could. A nutless monkey could...
Agent Smith (DOS) gives an appraisal
Teacher: Hi Mr Smith. Are you ready to do my appraisal?
S: That’s the difference between you and me. I’ve been expecting you. And it’s DOS Smith.
T: Sorry. I just want to say that I’m really sorry about mixing up my timetable, I never realised that my class were elementary until after they finished the CPE mock exam.
S: We’re willing to wipe the slate clean,...
Luke returns to IH for the DELTA interview
Obi-Wan Kenobi DELTA tutor: Ah, young sky walker. So, what have you learned since your CELTA?
Luke: I couldn’t do what you taught me, it was useless Obi-Wan. Why didn’t you tell me? You told me that I could elicit anything and that I should drill every word at least 5 times and that all I would need to do is follow the teacher’s book but this is not true in the real world of...
The knights of NI on a Dogme coursebook
Me: Hello Knights of Ni.
KN 1: Ah! You said it.
Me: What? I said what?
KN 2: No, we no longer fear the word. We are now the Knights of Dogme and we fear a much worse word which none shall speak of.
Me: Oh Knights who recently feared Ni. Tell me why do you fear this thing?
KN 2: It is worse than NI. It attacks the very fibre of Dogme teaching. It is heresy. The great founders of Dogme banned...
Hal on teaching online
Me: Hal, what do you think about being an online teacher?
H: I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do.
Me: That’s admirable. I heard that some people find it hard to study online. What do you think?
H: It can only be attributable to human error.
Me: So, it’s their fault if they fail?
H: Affirmative, Dave....
Errol Flyn on his EFL career
Me: Hi Errol.
Errol: Good evening kind sir.
Me: So, now that you’ve retired from teaching English how would you sum up your career?
Errol: I`ve had a hell of a lot of fun and I`ve enjoyed every minute of it.
Me: Really? Do you think you were a good teacher?
Errol: I felt like an impostor, taking all that money for teaching 2 or 3 learning objectives of nonsense a day.
Me: How about...
Hulk and Randy teach CPE
Hulk Hogan: Now little hulksters, this is the the proficiency class nobody wants to teach cos they say you’re all too advanced and can’t learn nuttin’. Well, the hulksters gonna teach you some real English.
St 1: Could you clarify what you mean precisely by the term ‘nuttin’? I don’t believe that will be in the exam Mr Hogan?
HH: Er. Watcha gonna do when the...
Carlos Tevez refuses to teach a cover class.
ADOS: Carlos. One of our teachers has called in sick and we need you to cover their class. Can you come off the bench?
CT: I don’t know how much more I can take. I didn’t expect this, and I don’t feel like teaching this class.
ADOS: What? I’m your ADOS. You have to teach this class Carlos. It will be easy. Just do what other teachers do and stick on an episode of...
House teaches expressions
H: Well, howdy. As part of my punishment for being bad I have to do community service. So, here I am. Warts n’ all and today we’re doing expressions. Do you understand?
All: Yes.
H: Are you all insanely hungover from a wild student party last night?
All: Yes.
H: Ahh. Good, we have something in common then. So, to make things easier I call you all by number or nickname. You fat...
Batman and Robin run a language school
Batman: Good morning new students and welcome to the Bat Cave Language School
1 student leaves.
Robin: You can’t get away from Batman that easy!
Batman: Easily.
Robin: Easily.
Batman: Good grammar is essential, Robin.
Robin: Thank you.
Batman: You’re welcome.
Batman: As I was saying, today is the first day and this afternoon you will do an
entry test so that we can put you...
Tubbs and Edward run a local shop next to a...
S: Hello. I want coke.
Tubbs: Are you… local?
S: No. I from Cuba.
Edward: You people are all alike, You march in here, foreign! Try and touch the local things. I suppose next you’ll be speaking in strange tongues, smearing poor Tubbs here with foreign food like chilli.
S: Errrr. I want coke.
Edward: How much to leave the shop and never come back? Seventy? Eighty? All right a...
Snoop Dog on his new career
Me: Hi Snoop.
Snoop: Yo man. Thanks for giving me this interview bro.
Me: No problem. Brad gave me your number.
Snoop: Yeaaah. He’s the read deal.
Me: So, why did you just decide to take up EFL teaching and have you quit rapping?
S: I love making music and I’m falling in love with EFL, so it’s like having two girlfriends. But I can handle it.
Me: I heard that you’re...
Terry Tate does teacher training
DOS: Now. I’m sure you all know that due to the large number of other English schools on this road we have been struggling. Morale is down, productivity, teacher and even the coffee machine is broken. Anyhow, I’ve decided to bring in someone from the outside to help. Please meet Terry.
T: Yo baby. This is my house now baby. I’m here to kick yo white asses into shape. Yo mamby...
An EFL Job Interview with Arnold Schwarzenegger
DOS: Good morning, please sit down.
AS: Thank you.
DOS: So, I’ve asked you to come in just to ask you a few questions about yourself, your CV and why you’d like to work at fleshbottom language school.
AS: Affirmative.
DOS:First question. Are you interested in a contractual teaching position?
AS: I live to see you eat that contract, but I hope you leave enough room for my fist...
Thor attempts to go learner-centred in an observed...
Scene: Thor, students and DELTA tutor/observer
Thor: Good morning puny earth inhabitants. I , Thor, son of Odin, possessor of the glorious A to Z of grammar usage, wearer of this cape and smiter of evil L1 interference will now teach you English. But first, I would like to know why you are learning English, the tongue of kings.
St Bob: Excuse me, Mr Thor can I go to toilet?
Thor: How dare you...
September 2011
14 posts
David Lee Roth teaches Used to.
DLR: Today kiddies we are doing grammar. OOOOh.
St: We no sing?
DLR: We sing later, OK? So, what do you remember about me, which words?
St 1: Drugs, drugs, women.
St 2: More drugs, more women. Chocolate.
St 3: Midgets!
DLR: Never forget the midgets, I don’t.
DLR: So, chocolate. I used to have a chocolate problem, now I make enough money. What does that mean little rockers?
St 1: You...
Father jack in a 1 to 1 class
Trainer: Today we will learn BASIC words. OK?
Holds up a bottle of water.
FJ: Drink!
Trainer: Good. Drink. Repeat again.
FJ: Drink!, Drink!, Drink!
Trainer: Very good. What is this?
Holds up a photo of a girl.
FJ: Girls!
Trainer: Er, no. Girl
FJ: Girl! Girls! Drink!
Trainer: OK. Who is this?
Holds up photo of a priest.
FJ: Priest.
Trainer: Yes, and what do you say to a priest?
FJ:...
Fonzie on positive stroking
Me: The Fonze. It’s an honour.
F: Aaaaeeeyyy!
Me: So, people say that you are very good at motivating your students and creating a positive rapport with them. Is this true?
F: Exactamundo!
Me: So, could you give us some tips?
F: Step into my office.
Fonzie leads the way into the toilets.
F: Sit on it!
Fonzie tells me to sit on the toilet.
I sit on the toilet.
F: Let me tell ya,...
Mickey coaches a debate team
St 1: Teacher, how can we win this debate competition? The other team is very good.
M: You can’t win, kid! That team will kill you to death inside of three rounds!
St 2: Really? Are they that good?
M: No, they ain’t just debaters! These guys are a wrecking machine! And they’re hungry! Hell, you ain’t been hungry since you started school.
St 1: But we are local...
Post-lesson observation feedback on Ali G's first...
Tutor: Well, erm, yes. Ali. How do YOU think it went then?
Ali: Booyakasha!
Tutor: Yep. That’s one way to describe it yes.
Ali: Respek. I’ll be a CELTA tutor in no time. Y’know what I’m saying. Aiiiii.
Tutor: Well, I’ve been a CELTA tutor for over 30 years and I’ve never seen a class like that one.
Ali: Massive.
Tutor: That’s the first time...
An IELTS speaking test with Yoda
Exam: This is the speaking test for the International English Language Testing System. My name is John. Could I have your ID please?
Yoda: Hmmm. ID you say?
Exam:EEEr. Could-I-have-your-ID-PLEEEEEEEEASE.
Yoda: I feel great anger in you.
Exam: ID?
Yoda: Given must this ID be before check it you can.
Exam: Who are you?
Yoda: Yoda.
Exam: Thank you. Now, in this first part I will ask you...
Jules and Vincent team teach
J: You, flock of seagulls, you know what we’re doing today? Why don’t you tell my man Vincent?
Student 1: Errr.
Student 2: We do the passive.
J: I don’t remember askin’ you a Goddamn thing! You were saying?
Student 1: Errr.
J: Shoot man, relax.
BANG
J: Goddamn vincent. I didn’t mean shoot the student.
V: But that’s what you said. Shoot.
J: OK. We...
Interview with Jose Mourinho
Me: Hello Mr Mourinho. It’s a real honour to meet you and discuss EFL.
JM: Please don’t call me arrogant, but I’m European champion and I think I’m the special one.
Me: I didn’t call you arrogant.
JM: Everyone is out to get the special one.
Me: So do you have problems in the classroom too?
JM: Look at my haircut. I am ready for the war.
Me: Oh, so do you teach in a dangerous...
Interview with Hannibal Lecter
HL: Hello Clarice.
Me: Who?
HL: Yes Clarice.
Me: I hear you’ve just passed the CELTA Hannibal.
HL: Yes. I finished off the last assignment with some fresh oregano.
Me: I bet that was tasty.
HL: On a similar note I must confess to you, I’m giving very serious thought… to eating your phone.
Me: I wouldn’t do that. When someone calls me you’ll vibrate. Anyhow,...
Interview with Skeletor
Me: Good evening Skeletor. How are you?
SK: Of what consequence is this to you?
Me: Er, just asking. One EFL teacher to another.
SK: I have just finished a CAE preparation class at Castle Greyskull.
Me: So, how are your students?
SK: These people, this world, they are nothing - the task is power, pure unstoppable power - and I am that task, I am that power.
Me: So, you like TBL then?
...
Interview with Doctor WHO
Me: Hello Doctor. How are you?
DW: Can’t complain. Have TARDIS will travel you know.
Me: How are your classes going?
DW: All of time and space; everywhere and anywhere; every star that ever was. Where do you want to start?
Me: Er with your last class then.
DW: Napolean Bonaparte, 1810, Paris. Pre-int. Bit of a talker but nice hats. I wear a Bicorne hat now. Bicornes are cool.
Me: So...
