alternativeEFLgurus

Alt EFL gurus xmas box set from Del Boy

chilefrance — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 08:09:00 -0500

Awright there punters, christmas is here and givings in fashion and uncle Del Boy has got some pucker gifts for all you secrety santas out there. Fallen off a lorry, tipped off a van, bungee jumped from a plane, don’t ask no questions and I tell you no lies.Cushty. Today, a once in a lifetime offer, never to be repeated, for you luvly Tweetions out there I bring you…wait for it…Alternative EFL Gurus the DVD box set. It’s got all your faves and more. Deleted scenes, censored bits and more.

No christmas will be complete this year without this beauty. You don’t want to miss the never before released interview with the devil about positive reinforcement, or Rambo’s tutorial on making your own stationary in the jungle, not to mention Metallica’s lesson on using heavy metal chants. You also can’t miss out on MacGyver and B.A.’s master class on ‘using what’s in the room’, Neo’s talk on online learning and Second Life and not to mention Superman’s tips on heat vision for warmers.

Buy now and I’ll chuck in a Trotters Independant Traders T-shirt.

If I’ve tickled your EFL taste buds then come buy a copy, you can find me round the back of Sainsbury’s in Newham.

Yoda update

chilefrance — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 15:28:00 -0500

Since winning 2 awards in the Alt EFL Gurus award ceremony where we gave awards to people who won them, Yoda has been busy so we caught up with him to see how his life has changed.

Me: Hello Yoda, sorry, Mr Yoda. Actually, is Yoda your first or last name?

Yoda: Doubts you have. Doubts lead to questions, questions lead to answers and answers lead to the dark side of EFL.

Me: Err, so it’s Mr Yoda then.

Yoda: Sir Yoda now, hmmmm. English Queen Knight of royal realm award, me give, she did.

Me:Wow, so your life’s really changed alot then?

Sir Yoda: Changed, yes. New X Factor judge am I and dating Pippa Middleton. Big bum, yoda like.Hmmmmmphf!

Me: Sounds like you’re quite the celebrity.

Sir Yoda: The force is strong with Yoda, the money too. Have both, get the girls you do. Lightsaber also babe magnet.

Me: Do you see yourself as a bit of a player then?

Sir Yoda:Player you say, hhhhmmff! Go I must, date with Simon Cowell have I.

AWARDS!!!

chilefrance — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 23:57:59 -0500

The votes came in, were counted and here are the winners:

1)Most inspirational interview = Apollo Creed

2)Biggest contribution to EFL = Yoda

3)Most alternative guru = Terry Tate

4)Best quote = Tony Montana

“Don’t mess with find someone who” + “He’s such a good lawyer, that by tomorrow morning, you gonna be teaching beginners in Alaska. So dress warm.”

5)Lifetime achievement award = Yoda

The winners all receive a lifetime supply of invisible board markers.

Thank you for voting.

The lost post: Two Yorkshire TESOL France speakers

chilefrance — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 12:13:00 -0500

FIRST YORKSHIREMAN: Aye, very passable, that, very passable presentation on Language Acquisition.

SECOND YORKSHIREMAN: Nothing like a good talk on Language Acquisition, eh, Josiah?

FIRST YORKSHIREMAN: You’re right there, Obadiah.

SECOND YORKSHIREMAN: So, how was thee talk then lad?

FIRST YORKSHIREMAN: It were grand but bloody hard.

SECOND YORKSHIREMAN: Why’s that then lad?

FIRST YORKSHIREMAN: I had a room full of folk!

SECOND YORKSHIREMAN:Hard, Hard! You were bloody lucky son. I’d have killed for a room full of folk! I had about 10 people.

FIRST YORKSHIREMAN:10 people? At my talk last year I only had 3 and two of em were cleaners.

SECOND YORKSHIREMAN:Cleaners? You had cleaners? I’d have killed for cleaners. 2003 I had to clean my own room with mi toothbrush.

FIRST YORKSHIREMAN:Room? You had a room? You lucky flaming bugger! I’d murder for a room. I gave my 2005 talk outside in a carpark.

SECOND YORKSHIREMAN:What? Outside. My god, you don’t know you were born. 1999, my talk on phrasal verbs were done in a cardboard box.

FIRST YORKSHIREMAN:Carboard box? You did your talk in a flamin cardboard box. My god almighty. You posh bugger!I did my 2004 workshop in a plastic bag and projected my slides through the handles.

SECOND YORKSHIREMAN:Projector? Pro bloody jector?My dear god. You’s a posh un. I’d sell my own arm for a projector. I have to write all my slides on the wall then clean them off.

FIRST YORKSHIREMAN: A what? A wall? You had a wall?

SECOND YORKSHIREMAN: By eck, young speakers today don’t know they,re born!

FIRST YORKSHIREMAN: Born? I did my first talk when I were 5 months in mi mother’s belly. I spoke thru her belly button. Best talk I’ve ever done.

Nudge nudge teach teach.

chilefrance — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 00:11:42 -0500

Man1: Evening squire.

Man2: Good evening.

Man1: Are, uh,…Are you in EFL, eh? Know whatahmean, know whatahmean, nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?

Man2: I, uh, I beg your pardon?

Man1: You, uh, do you teach, eh, eh?

Man2: (flustered) Well, sometimes I “teach”, yes.

Man1: Aaaaaaaah bet you do, say no more, say no more, knowwhatahmean, nudge nudge?

Man2: (confused) I’m afraid I don’t quite follow you.

Man1: Follow me. Follow me. That’s good, that’s good! A nod’s as good as a wink to a blind bat!

Man2: Are you, uh,…are you selling something?

Man1: SELLING! Very good, very good! Ay? Ay? Ay? (pause) Oooh! Ya wicked Ay! Wicked Ay! Oooh hooh! Say No MORE!

Man2: Well, I, uh….

Man1: Do your students like learning, ay?

Man2: Um, they do, yes!

Man1: I bet they do, I bet they do!

Man2: As a matter of fact they’re very fond of football.

Man1: ‘Oo isn’t? Likes games, eh? Knew they would. Likes games, eh? they’ve been around a bit, been around?

Man2: They come from abroad so yes they have traveled, yes.

Man1: SAY NO MORE!! Abroad, abroad, say no more squire!

Man2: I wasn’t going to!

Man1: Oh! Well, never mind. Dib dib? Is your uh, are your students interested in….books, ay? “coursebooks, ay”, he asked him knowingly?

Man2: Coursebooks?

Man1: Read read, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more?

Man2: New Headway, Global? For class use?

Man1: They could be, they could be. General use, you know, every day IN class?

Man2: Look… are you insinuating something?

Man1: Oh, no, no, no…yes.

Man2: Well?

Man1: Well, you’re a teacher of a foreign language.

Man2: Yes…

Man1: I mean, you’ve been around a bit, you know, like, you’ve, uh…. You’ve “done it”….

Man2: What do you mean?

Man1: Well, I mean like,….you’ve taught English, to students….

Man2: Yes….

Man1: What’s it like?

Marcel Marceau on teacher talk time

chilefrance — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 00:11:00 -0500

Me: Good evening Mr Marceau. How are you?

MM holds up a thumb.

Me: Good. Thanks for this interview. It’s a special one as it’s the last for AlternativeEFLGurus and I’m so happy it’s with you. I’ve admired your skill for so long.

MM blows a kiss.

Me:Thanks. Well, lets get down to it. You are one of the great masters of minimal teacher talk time. How elicido you do it.

MM shrugs shoulders.

Me: Come on, don’t be modest. could you give our readers and example of say, eliciting?

MM draws a question mark in the air.

Me: Well, a film maybe.

MM holds up 4 fingers.

Me: Errr, 4 fingers.

MM hits interviewer on the head with an inflatable hammer.

Me: Owww. Four fin…

MM raises hammer.

Me: OK OK. 4 letters?

MM smiles and gives interviewer a cloth flower.

Me: Yes, a film with 4 letters. But what’s it called?

MM Jumps one in the floor, wriggles towards the presenter and then bites his leg.

Me: OOOOOwww. Pain? Blood?

MM stops then throws water on himself and bites again.

Me: AAAAhhh. Je..

MM stops, stand up and puts up a thumb then 1 finger.

Me: Errrr 1 word?

MM shakes head.

Me: 1 letter?

MM nods.

Me:EEEErr.

MM assumes the divers position.

Me: Hmmm Hmmm. First?

MM smiles and throws confetti in the air.

Me: First letter J, 4 letters, film, pain, blood, water…

Me: Jaws? Jaws!

MM gives interviewer a big kiss on the lips.

Me: Errr. Yes I see now how you do it. You really need to suffer for your passion in EFL.

1 to 1 with the daleks

chilefrance — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 09:04:39 -0500

Intergalactic corporate English teacher Bill arrives at the Dalek mother ship to teach a 1 to 1 with Dalek Sek.

Bill: Good morning, I have a 2 pm class with err…dalek…sek.

Dalek Seth: You will be extermiNAted!

Bill: No. Check. I have a class.

Dalek Sara: Yes. The human tells the truth. Send him to the learning English chamber.

Dalek Seth. If you move you will be exterminatED!

Bill enters the chamber.

Dalek Sek: Sit down. TEACH me. I want good PROnunciation.

Bill: Hmmm. Well, I read on your NA that your goal is to rule the universe.

Dalek Sek. AffirmaTIVE!

Bill: and you want to speak with a British accent and have a wide vocabulary.

Dalek Sek: YES! You must TEACH me or else you will be exTERminetED! I must pass the CAE so I can study IT at universITY!!

Bill: Well, I think we should start with word stress. Listen to me and repeat.

exTERminate.

Dalek Sek:ExTERminATE!

Bill: Nooo: ExTERminate!

Dalek Sek:ExTERminate!

Bill: Yes. Good. Now make a sentence.

Dalek Sek: ExTERminate the teacher!

Bill: Nooo. Lets look at some synonyms. What other words could you use instead of exterminate?

Dalek Sek: Ext….Ex.

Bill: How about eRADicate?

Dalek Sek writes it down on his DalkePhone.

Bill: Repeat! eRADicate!

Dalek Sek:eradiCATE!

Bill: Nooo. eRADicate!

Dalek Sek:eRADicate the human!

Bill:Err. Yes. Good. Now for homework I want you to find 10 more synonyms and learn their stress. That way you’ll sound more correct.

Dalek Sek: ExTERminate the pronuciATION errors! They must be exTRAPolaTED! Must EnunciATE correctly. The human is correct. We all must learn correct pronunciation. You are now the pronunciation leader of the dalEKS!

Lauren in the CAE speaking test

chilefrance — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 15:30:00 -0500

Examiner: Now in this part I’d like you both to discuss these photos.

Sven: I think this photo is the best.How about you Lauren?

Lauren: Whatevver!

S: Err, yes. All the photos show people studying but this one is particularly interesting.Lauren?

L: What?

S: What’s your opinion?

L: Not bovvered.

S: What?

L: Bovvered? Me? Not bovvered.

S: So, you agree with me then?

L: I’m not bovvered.

S: Bovvered?

L: Not bovvered.

Examiner: Thank you. Now in this next part I’d like you to discuss the jobs shown in these new pictures.

L: What?

E: Please discuss the jobs.

L: Do you think I’m some kind of thicko?

E: Err.No.

L: Hello. Thicko here. I ain’t talkin bout no minging photos.

E: Just talk or you will fail the test.

L: Fail. Test. Me. Bovvered? No. Ain’t bovvered.

E: Pardon?

L: Face, hand, pen, enrolment card, ID, bovvered, me? Not bovvered.

E: Well you should be.

L: Not bovvered.

E: But…

L: Not bovvered.

E: And..

L: Not bovvered.

E: and that is the end of the speaking test.

Interview with Officer Crabtree before his TESOL France talk

chilefrance — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 11:30:00 -0400

Me: Good morning officer.

Officer Crabtree: Good moaning. I’m soo hoppy to bee her.

Me: ?????

So, officer, how do you feel about teaching English in France?

OC: OOOOh, that’s a god keychon. I touch moany students.

Me: So they moan a lot then?

OC: No boot they lick to comploon all the tim.

Me: Err. Ah! Do you teach many exam classes?

OC: Oooh yos. They hall have to piss the TOE-ICK!

Me: What mark do they need?

OC: Eight hounded pints.

Me: Do they get that many?

OC: Yos. Here I hove the groads. Would you like to take a leak?

Me: Err. OK. How do you teach exam prep?

OC: I use loots of handoots.

Me: Handoots?

OC: Yes. Sh#ts of pooper which I prepooh before.

Me: Hmmm. Well, thanks for the interview. I’m really looking forward to your talk at TESOL France on teaching pronunciation.

OC: Me too. It’s hard to touch pronoonciation. I’ll be twoking aboot foonetiks, strauss and god intonoonshion and also keen’s English. It’s at fove a cook after the one on touching gramear.

DELTA experimental input module 3: emergent drama

chilefrance — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 10:57:00 -0400

Scene: A classroom. Week 6 of the DELTA.

Drama Bob: Welcome to this new module which is aimed at opening you up as teachers and allowing you to deal with emergent language, problems and other situations in your future careers. My name is Bob but you can call me my drama name of Drama Bob. So, first thing we need to do is move away the desks and then the magic can happen.

Desks moved.

DB: Now, everyone find a space. Go on.

People move.

DB: Now, I want you to curl up in a ball on the floor. Don’t be shy. Go on! All classes begin as nothing but then emerge into beauty. Return to the womb!

People look confused but curl up.

DB Picks up a drum and begins tapping it.

DB: Hear the rhythm of the class. You’ve arrived in the room, students are there books ready, you begin to teach, the magic is happening slowly slowly. Uncurl and grow. Let the lesson take over your bodies, emerge, emerge.

Students stand up, look confused and walk around.

DB: Look at me, I’m a cockrel. My lesson is on animals but now grammar is emerging, now we’re doing 2nd conditional. This is the second conditional walk. No, I am the second conditional. Here comes Jane the third conditional.

Students look more confused.

DB: I feel the emerging language, now, now, more animals. I’m a monkey, scratch scratch fleas. Almost break time, quick revise revise and break..

DB collapses to the floor.

S1: Er, this is too experimental for me.

Rod Tidwell shows a video

chilefrance — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 23:58:42 -0400

RT: OK, today I want to show you a short programme about education but you need to convince me. Do you want to see it?

Class: Yes.

RT: I like you. My wife likes you. You’re good for my wife. I’m gonna show you this programme. That’s what I’m gonna do for you.

Class: Thanks

RT: This is what you’re gonna do for me.

S1: What we do teacher?

RT: It’s personal and very important. Hell! It’s a family motto. Are you ready?

All: Yes.

RT: Here it is……Show me the programme.

All:……

RT:Show…..me…..the……programme. Say with me.

All: Show you the programme.

RT: You can do better than that.

All: Show you the programme.

RT: NO! Show ME the programme.

All: Show ME the programme.

RT: Louder! You gotta scream that sh#t!

All: SHOW ME THE PROGRAMME!!

RT: I love you teacher!!

All: We love you teacher!

RT: We promise to buy you a pint!

All: You promise to buy us a pint.

RT: Nooooo!

Don Corleoni DOS helps a teacher

chilefrance — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 00:33:14 -0400

Background:

Due to the economic crisis and globalisation the Italian mafia families have moved into EFL and bought several big language schools in London.

Today, a new EFL teacher with a problem goes to Don Corleoni DOS for help.

T: Don Corleoni, I have a problem student and I need some help.

DC: You come to me, you show me respect, you bring me spaghetti. You’re a good boy. Gimme a kiss!

T: Of course, do you want some parmesan? Black pepper?

DC: Just a bit.

T: So, can you give me some advice?

DC: Never let anyone outside the classroom know what you’re teaching.

T: Of course, I burn all my lesson plans.

DC: Good boy.

T: I really need some advice about my student Don. Will you help me?

DC: I said that I would see you because I had heard that you were a serious teacher, to be treated with respect. But I must say no to you and I’ll give you my reasons. It’s true I know a lot about student management, but they wouldn’t be so manageable if they knew that my real business was making pasta instead of teaching English. But EFL is a dirty business. Students need to be sorted out sometimes.

T: But Don. I don’t want you to sort them out. I just want some tips.

DC: Tips? How about I call Joey and some of the boys to make a call on this kid. They won’t break anything, just scribble on his coursebook, delete some of his emails.

T: Errrr. I just want to know how I can handle a talkative kid.

DC: Bring him to me. I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse.

T: Oh that’s great. Thanks so much. How can I ever repay you?

DC: Someday - and that day may never come - I’ll call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept this pack of Tagliatelli as a gift. It will go nice with some fresh basil, parmesan and olive oil, maybe a dash of black pepper.

T: You’re fantastic godfather.

DC: By the way. Joey Jnr and Joey Snr will be paying your class a visit, some of your students are behind on their protection money. The EFL classroom is a dangerous place. Crazy things can happen.

Captain Jack's banned IATEFL talk on Shipping English

chilefrance — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 05:55:00 -0400

CJ: Good afternoon Teachers, Tutors and other assorted riff raff. Today OUP invited someone along to give a short but sweet talk about Shipping English. That person is somewhat occupied so you have old Director Captain Jack instead. For those of you who have served under me you know I am an expert on such matters. For those who don’t then where were you and you owe me 10 shillings. Savvy?

So, pirates. Love em, hate em or just ignore them, usually works for me. I’ve been ignoring myself for years. Damn rude too.

T1: Excuse me, what are we going to learn in this talk? I’m missing a seminar on punctuation in the next room for this.

CJ: Mr Gibbs, take him to the brig.

Mr Gibbs escorts T1 away.

CJ: Ah, yes…no…maybe. Hmm. The only rules that really matter are these: what a teacher can do and what a teacher can’t do. I’m going to move on cos I can’t do this all by me onesies, savvy.

Yes, so, Shipping English, Pirates, hats, parrots. Hate them all.

T2: Me too.

CJ: Good man. You should sign up to my next talk at 2:15 on brown nosing if I was doing one, which I’m not.

So, when you’re besieged by pirates of the more oceanic variety there are several linguistically entertaining tools that may prove useful for tackling said situation.

Words. Yes, nice ones. Make words into insults. Here we go. Number 1.

1. Come on you filthy.

So what collocates with filthy?

T3: Old

CJ: Mr Gibbs, take this filthy, slimy, mangy cur to the plank.

So, yes, filthy collocates with slimy and slimy with mangy cur. There we have a wonderful insult to attack any wayward pirate scallywag.

Now. Number 2. Pestilent?

T4: Disease.

CJ: Gibbs, Mr. Send this pestilent, traitorous, cow-hearted, yeasty codpiece to the brig.

Yes, so traitorous collocates with pestilent then bla bla bla. Questions? Yes. No.

Security guards enter.

I think we’ve all arrived at a very special place. Spiritually, ecumenically, grammatically, collocationally and vocabularlly.

OUP rep: Arrest him. He kidnapped our speaker so he could give his own talk.

CJ: Today, ladies, gents and land luvvers will be the day you remember as the day you almost…

Jack gets arrested.

Guard: We are arresting you Captain Jack Sparrow for impersonating an IATEFL speaker.

CJ: There’s a director missing there somewhere.

Apollo Creed as a teacher trainer

chilefrance — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 16:07:00 -0400

CELTA course week 1. Break time after the first TP. All the trainees and trainers chat, drink and smoke outside.

Tim: I can’t do it. I can’t go back. Don’t make me teach them again.

Apollo: Now, when I interviewed you, you had that eye of the tiger, man; the edge! And now you gotta get it back, and the way to get it back is to go back to the beginning. You know what I mean?

T: No. I can’t.

A: Look at the others. They got it. Look at Jim he just taught all the conditionals in 5 minutes, Sarah did mixed tenses and Bob sang a song on his guitar.

T: I can’t.

A:See that look in their eyes, Tim? You gotta get that look back, Tim. Eye of the tiger, man.Come on!

T: OK. OK. I’ll try again.

A: Yeah man. Eye of the tiger man. It ain’t gonna be easy.

T: I can do it.

A:Now you’re gonna have to go through hell. Worse than any nightmare you ever dreamed. But in the end, I know you’ll be the one standing.

T: Bring it on. I eat Advanced for breakfast.

Back in TP T is teaching would.

S1: But teacher my host mum says she would spend hours in the pub getting sloshed. What this would mean?

T: Errrm. Yes would is for the future…..er..

A:He’s hooking. He’s hooking. He’s hooking! Damn, Tim, Come on! What’s the matter with you? Nail that mother! Eye of the tiger man. Concept check! Drill! Elicit!

T: Yeah. She…er…

Apollo presses tape player and EYE OF THE TIGER song begins.

A: Come on Tim!

T: That…

A: The eye man the eye.

T: Yes. In your context your host mother was referring nostalgicly to her past when she used to do something a lot. For instance, when she was young she would walk in the countryside.

A: You got him Tim. He’s on the ropes. Float like a butterfly Tim!

S1: She sloshed what mean?

T: Excellent question, it refers to being drunk. Now as I was saying..

A: That was cool!

S2: Drunk? My host mum say she bladdered. What is?

T: Ah yes.

S3: Mine say she rat arsed but we have no rats.

T: Good. Yes. So these….

A: He’s gettin’ killed out there!

Paulie: No, no, no! He ain’t gettin’ killed; he’s gettin’ mad!

T: All of these are synonyms for drunk but are very informal.

A: You got it tim! The eye man! He’s on the ropes. Nail that sucker!

T: Now who has been drunk, rat arsed or sloshed recently? Who would like to get drunk? When I was young I would get rat arsed all the time.

A: KO! He’s down. You de man Tim!! Wahooo!

Paulie: Yeah!

The Spanish inquisition as BC inspectors

chilefrance — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 08:43:52 -0400

This week the school is being inspected by the British Council.

Scene: An EFL class. Students begin asking questions to the teacher.

S1: What does this word mean?

Teacher: What?

S1: I no understand. What mean?

T: I didn’t expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

Doors open and in bursts the inquisition.

Biggles: NOBODY expects the Spanish British Council Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise…surprise and fear…fear and surprise…. Our two weapons are fear and surprise…and ruthless efficiency…. Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency…and an almost fanatical devotion to the British Council code…. Our *four*…no… *Amongst* our weapons…. Amongst our weaponry…are such elements as fear, surprise, cups of tea, woolly jumpers. I’ll come in again.

Gomez: I can’t say it - you’ll have to say it.

Biggles: Expects… Nobody expects the…um…the British Council…um…

Gomez: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! … our chief weapons are surprise…blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.

Cardinal: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the British Council. How do you plead, foreigner?

T: I’m innocent.

Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Pedro: Now, old man — you are accused of heresy on three counts: heresy by drinking Italian coffee in class, heresy by wearing French clothes and heresy by drinking Belgian beer in a German glass . In essence, you have lost your Britishness. Do you confess?

T: Not guilty!

Pedro: Ha! Then we’ll make you confess! Biggles! Fetch…THE furry dice!

Biggles pokes the teacher with the furry dice but they have no effect.

Pedro: Right! If that’s the way you want it — Cardinal! Poke him with the board marker!

All: Confess! Confess! Confess!

Biggles: Hm! He is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang! Fetch…THE COMFY CHAIR from the British Council teachers room!

Biggles: So you think you are strong because you can survive the furry dice. Well, we shall see. Pedro! Put him in the Comfy Chair!

Now — you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of Lipton tea at eleven accompanied with some jammy dodgers and a couple of McVities for dunking purposes.

The EFL teacher preacher

chilefrance — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 00:55:40 -0400

Preacher: Brothers and sister EFL teachers we have here today a gentleman who has sinned.

All: Amen.

Preacher: He has committed the ultimate in EFL sins. What is this sin you ask? Well, he did NOT follow his lesson plan.

All: AAahhhh!

P: Yes. Bring him here to face the wrath of the almighty EFL gods.

All: Hallelujah!Amen!

P: What’s your name brother?

Tom: Tom Gordon.

P: And when did you begin with this affliction?

T: Well, a few months ago I read an article about being student-focussed and developing the lesson as it goes along and from then on I haven’t really stuck to my plans.

All: Silence.

T: Hek, sometimes I don’t even write a plan.

All: Sinner.

P: You have an affliction brother. You have been possessed by the doer of evil, the EFL devil himself. But we are here today to cure you.

All: Amen.

P: Today I shall relieve you of this evil. I shall cast it out and return you to the land of lesson plan adherence. Amen!

All: Amen!

T: No thanks, I like it this way.

P: You speak in false tongues. I shall cast out the demon with this the holy glove which was worn by the head of Cambridge ESOL as he signed every CELTA certificate.

P: Come to me Tom and I shall cast it out. Come!

All: Cast it out! Amen!

Tom approaches.

P: Oh father of EFL, give me the power to heal this poor teacher and return him to the righteous path of lesson planning.

Preacher places the glove on Tom’s head

P: Out! Out! Lesson Plans are good!

All: Lesson Plans are good!

Tom falls down

P: Tom is cured. Praise EFL.

All: Praise EFL. Amen.

Tony Montana on his rise to teacherdom

chilefrance — Sat, 22 Oct 2011 13:29:00 -0400

Me: Hi Tony. Glad you agreed to answer some questions. Just try to be as honest as possible.

Tony: I always tell the truth. Even when I lie.

Me: Great. So, how did you end up teaching?

T: Okay, here’s the story. I come from the gutter. I know that. I got no education… but that’s okay. I know the street, and I’m making all the right connections. With the right students, there’s no stopping me. I could go right to the top.

Me: Wow. That’s a great story.

T: In the TEFL industry, you gotta get the CELTA first. Then when you get the CELTA, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the students.

Me: Good but what kind of power?

T: You wanna waste my time? Okay. I call my lawyer. He’s the best lawyer in Miami. He’s such a good lawyer, that by tomorrow morning, you gonna be teaching beginners in Alaska. So dress warm.

Me: No thanks.

T: I’m Tony Montana! You mess with me, you messin’ with the best!

Me: Er, Tony, I hear you teach young kids. Tell me about it?

T: You wanna question me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!

Me: That’s a sock Tony.

T: No. It’s Mr Squibbles the sock dog. He’s my little friend.

Me: Errr. Hello.

Mr Squibbles/Sock: Hello. Do you want to learn English?

Me: No.

Mr Squibbles: Don’t make me hurt you.

Me: No. No. I’ll learn English. I promise. I’m a good student.

T: I neva hurt any student or teacher in my life, who didn’t have it comin’ to ‘im, you got that? All I have in this world is my balls, my word and this ruler and I don’t break ‘em for no student, teacher, interviewer, you got that?

Me: Yeah. Got it.

T: So, you wanna play find someone who with Mr Squibbles or not?

Mr S: Find someone who, Find someone who, Find someone who; that’s all you ever do Tony.

T: Don’t mess with find someone who.

Justin Bieber and Britney Spears hold a plenary

chilefrance — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 12:05:05 -0400

Presenter: So, thanks everyone for attending the 2011 IATEFL Alternative EFL Guru’s conference. We’ve had some interesting talks. My own favourites were Lemmy from Motorhead’s talk about using card games and Ozzy Osbourne’s seminar on the dangers of sniffing board markers. To end things on a bang we have 2 big names in the EFL world. Ladies, gentlemen and the cleaners, I present Justin Bieber and Britney Spears.

Ladies, gentlemen and the cleaners - light clapping

JB: Thank you very much. It’s like the coolest ever like, y’know.

BS: Like what?

JB: Y’know, like.

BS: Yeah, sooo like…

P: Ahem. Perhaps you’d both like to share some of your insights about the conference.

BS: Like. DOH! Don’t treat me like a little girl otherwise I’ll hit you one more time.

P: OK let’s start off basic. Justin, how would you describe yourself?

JB: I’m just a regular 16 year old EFL teacher. I make good grilled cheese and I like girls.

P: And you Britney?

BS: I don’t like defining myself. I just am Britney. Y’know.

JB: That’s soooo cool Brit.

BS: Yeah. I know. I like so answered that question.

P: How do you both feel about students?

JB: Every one of my students is so special to me.

BS: My students are everything, and what more could you want in a person? They’re funny. They’re cute. They’re great. They just understand. I get them and they get me, and that’s cool. They also buy my records.

P: How do you both feel about teaching methods?

JB: Usher says some classes work best when there’s a sob in the teacher’s voice. You gotta let that deep feeling come through. And that’s how I feel about my classes. Sometimes the emotion of teaching is enough to bring tears to my eyes. Sob sob!

BS: In class I’m the happiest person in the world.

JB: That’s soooo profo..profoww…cool. Sob Sob.

BS: High five. Awesome!

Luke meets the emperor to complete his TEFL training

chilefrance — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 12:29:39 -0400

Luke enters the school director’s office.

Emperor: DOS, ADOS leave us!

E: I’m looking forward to completing your training. In time you will call me director.

L: I’ll never call you director.

E: You can call me the boss, master of the dude. Your choice but call me something you will.

L: You’re gravely mistaken.

E: No, young English teacher, it is you who is mistaken, about many things but in time you will come around. Like your father.

L: Never. You’ll never convert me to the dark side of DELTA.

Luke reaches for his copy of The CELTA Course by Thornbury.

E: Ah yes, a CELTA graduates teaching weapon. Like your father’s. It will do you no good here in DELTA land.

L: Your overconfidence in the DELTA is your weakness.

E: Your belief that the CELTA is enough is yours. To fully develop as an EFL teacher you must embrace a more holistic view of the teaching English.

L: The dark side? Never?

E: It is pointless to resist. You will never become a senior teacher or a CELTA trainer without the DELTA.

L: I don’t need it. I’ll do an MA.

E: Yes, perhaps but it isn’t recognised as much as the DELTA in language schools. It is unavoidable. The DELTA is your destiny.

Luke looks at the CELTA book

E: I can feel the DELTA in you. Do it. Take the book and strike me down.

L: No. I don’t want to boss other teachers round and do after school training sessions. Never! I’ll do an MA and then a Phd. Stuff your DELTA!

E: Then you must die….death by eternal summer schools! HAHAHAHA!

Charlie Sheen after passing his 'experimental practice' option.

chilefrance — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 10:00:06 -0400

Me: How do you feel Charlie after passing the experimental practice module?

CS:Boom, crush. Night, losers. Winning, duh.

Me: Yes. Good. How did you come up with that great lesson?

CS: From my big beautiful warlock brain

Me: Ahh. I see. Is your style of teaching popular in your school?

CS: Welcome to ‘Sheen’s Korner’ … You’re either in my corner, or you’re with the trolls.

Me: Trolls? Where? Have you seen them then?

CS: Yeah. One’s called chuck and the other’s called larry.

Me: So, how do you keep so sharp in the class?

CS: I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen.

Me: Could I have some?

CS: Bite me.

Me: Maybe later. I’ve heard some critics say you’re having a bit of a teaching crisis. What’s your response?

CS: I’m dealing with fools and trolls and soft targets. It’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first class. I don’t have time for these clowns.

Me: There are clowns here too then? Trolls, clowns. And you teach in your underwear?

CS: I have a different constitution. I have a different brain; I have a different heart; I have different underwear; I got leopard skin Y fronts, man.

Me: Tigers too? Do you work in a zoo or a circus?

CS: I’m tired of ignoring that I march to a different beat to these goblins. I’m the warlock baby.

Me: Goblins? Y fronts? Are you sure this isn’t Lord of the Rings or Tarzan?

CS: Sizzle. Winning! Experimental baby! Bring on module 3!

Me: Ahh. Now I understand why it’s called ‘experimental practice’.